This was both really well written and very hard to read -- god, poor Niall. I feel like his anxiety and shame are so palpable in every line of this. I'm also so impressed/moved by the way you incorporate all of these little niall headcanon details into this version of him -- the reference to his knees, the way he disconnects from what he's doing and makes it so methodical and routine, his gag reflex. I really want to read more about his backstory - like, I remember you said he was a model, right? or was supposed to have this successful career and then things got derailed? I want to know soooo much more about where he comes from and just, how what's happened is affecting him, and what's shifted in his relationship with louis since he went away and came back, and so on.

Detached. It’s easier this way, less like being sick and more like being a machine, a simple input and output function. also this :( what a beautiful but painful sentence.