tintedglasses

*pushes a stack of paper across the table* here’s 500 words of a very rough draft of back-from-the-dead narry that I wrote today. (Heads up: I don’t know where in the timeline this happens, so it could be a medium sized spoiler or it could be a fairly small spoiler.)

———

“The accident feels like a missing piece but the In-Between doesn’t feel like that. It doesn’t feel like I’m forgetting something, it feels like there’s nothing to remember.”

“Oh.” Niall tries wrapping his head around the idea that there’s no kind of afterlife. It doesn’t fit with how many early Sunday mornings he has sat in a church and that feeling that he would get when the sunrise would reach just the right latitude to send sunbeams bursting through the stained glass windows. He can remember so tangibly the warmth that would spread through him, the feeling that someone was watching over him. The thought that there’s no one leaves him feeling cold.

But who is he to tell Harry he’s wrong? Harry, who’s actually died, who isn’t hinging it all on scattered, half-asleep light.

He pushes the existential crisis aside when Harry says, “I don’t even know why I came back. Why me and not them? I don’t deserve it.”

“Harry,” Niall’s voice cracks slightly and his heart along with it. “Of course you do. I don’t know why you came back either, but I’m so glad you did.” The more selfish part of Niall says I’m glad it was you and not them. Niall does his best to ignore it, mostly because he knows deep down that it’s true.

“Sometimes, I wish it was them that came back, though. Mom or Gemma—they’d know what to do.” Harry turns his head towards Niall, tears making his eyes glossy. “Niall, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Niall shoves away all of the Biblical teachings and the stories about people being sent back to earth to fulfill some ultimate purpose. He thinks that if they were true, Harry would probably know about it already. “Maybe you’re not supposed to do anything,” he says instead, feeling inept. “Maybe you’re just supposed to live your life like you would have before the accident.”

“But how?” Harry’s bottom lip quivers before he bites down on it hard. “It’s not the same. It can’t be, not while they’re gone. And how do I—it was my fault Niall. How do I move past that? It’s always right here.” Harry taps at his chest.

Niall pulls Harry into a hug, squeezing him harder than he used to. It’s like that now, like every time he touches Harry, he’s afraid he’s going to disappear again. Like maybe if he holds on tight enough, he can make Harry stay. “Oh, sweetheart, it wasn’t your fault. It was an accident. There’s nothing you could have done.”

“I don’t want it to be me,” Harry chokes out through the sobs welling in his throat. “I don’t want to be back here. Not without them.”

Pain pulls at Niall’s sternum, threatening to cleave him in half. But it’s not about him. Or at least, he can’t let it be. Not when Harry’s sobbing into his shoulder. “It’s okay,” he murmurs to Harry. “It’s going to be okay.”

But he doesn’t know if either of them believe it.

I’ve been watching Les Revenants (The Returned) on Netflix for back-from-the-dead narry inspiration and guys....there’s a a plot line where this woman’s finance dies on the day of their wedding and comes back when she’s about to marry someone else and it’s PAINFUL. Plus I’ve got some more super angsty ideas from tumblr conversations and it all hurts. I don’t know exactly what direction I would go in but if I ever actually write this, it has the potential to be the most gratuitously angsty thing I’ve ever thought about.

Also side note: I never realized how hard it is for me to just sit and watch a show without doing anything else but I don’t remember quite enough French to not pay attention to the subtitles.

Someone reblogged this pic on tumblr with the tag "Draco Malfoy":



And honestly, I'm all for some sort of Ministry of Magic type au. (I mean, some may argue that HP au's are overdone but I am firmly in the camp that there can't be too many of them. Also, I don't think there are any for Dunkirk so....it's an open market.)

I just started a new job, so I have like zero time to write, but here's a snippet from Niall's first day working at Liam's grocery store. (Also, contrary to my original plan, Louis and Niall are not roommates. Instead, Niall moves in with Harry.)

---

Ellie is about ten years older than Niall and, true to Liam’s word, is much better with the register than Liam. She’s also less chatty, which Niall appreciates. Once she goes over how to open the cash drawer, scan receipts, and process food vouchers, she flicks open her phone and goes on Facebook while they wait for customers. Niall isn’t sure if that’s allowed, but Liam isn’t around to see it, so he guesses it doesn’t really matter.

He’s just about to give into the temptation to pull out his own phone when the bell above the front door rings. It’s a boy wearing a Payne’s Grocery nametag on his black t-shirt and a blue beanie over his hair. He yells out a “Hey, Ellie,” as he passes the registers and she raises a hand in response, not looking up from her phone.

Niall watches as he makes his way back towards the staff room Liam had shown him earlier, right by the deli counter. The boy stops to wrap his arm around a blonde girl---Bebe, Niall thinks---glancing a kiss off her temple. She laughs at something he says and swats at his arm as he releases her and ducks into the staff room, presumably to go punch in.

“Is that...?” Niall mumbles, a flicker of recognition tugging at his gut.

“Hmm?” Ellie says, tapping away at her screen, before looking up at Niall, whose gaze is still on the staff room door. “Oh, that's Louis. He works back in the deli.”

Well, shit.

***

Niall makes it all the way until the last hour of his shift before his stomach starts grumbling uncomfortably and his knees start to really ache from standing for so long. He powers through though, ignoring the way his stomach lurches every time a cart full of food approaches.

Aside from the food part, the job doesn’t actually seem all that bad. It’s nice even, the mind-numbing certainty that comes with the job: scan each item, enter the method of payment, return the change. No surprises, no rushing around. He’s not as charming as Ellie surprisingly is with the customers, but he does okay.

He’s back in the staffroom clocking out when Louis comes in, now wearing a stained maroon apron over his t-shirt. Niall hasn’t seen him since he disappeared behind the deli counter an hour and a half ago.

“Hey, man. You new here?” Louis asks, cocking his head to the side. “You look kind of familiar.”

Niall’s face flushes as fiddles with his hoodie strings. He’s not surprised that Louis doesn’t recognize him, but he’s disproportionately disappointed anyways. “Just started today,” he says, pulling one of the strings too hard, leaving them uneven.

“You live around here before?” Louis says, before squinting slightly. He snaps his fingers, eyebrow quirking. “Horan, right?”

Niall nods, trying to ignore the way his chest feels a little brighter. It doesn't mean anything; they went to a small school, it's not like there are that many people to remember.

“Can’t believe I almost didn’t recognize you. Although, you look quite different now, huh, Blondie?”

He stiffens at the familiar nickname. “I guess so.”

“Well, it's nice to see you back in town, Horan. Didn’t think you’d ever come back, honestly,” Louis says before snatching his cigarettes out of the pocket of the jacket hanging up in his cubby. He winks at Niall, holding up the packet, “Don’t tell Liam about this, yeah? He’s been on my ass about quitting.”

Niall nods his head, too busy trying to ignore the way his stomach rumbles again to care about Louis’s bad habits. Fuck, he’s gonna have to eat something. He tucks his time-card back in its slot before shoving his hands in the pocket of his hoodie to press down against his middle, hoping to stifle the sounds.

“I gotta go before Liam realizes I’m gone,” Louis says, shoving the cigarettes in his back pocket before heading towards the door. As he opens it, he says over his shoulder, “I’ll see you around, okay?”

“Yeah, sure,” Niall answers, but Louis's already gone.

TBC

I've been thinking about my Eating Disorder Fic (and not writing it, oops) and I'm debating between two settings. The first is a classic English setting, somewhere up north, which is probably better if I want Niall to be somewhat famous. BUT, I keep having this thought of "What if they lived in semi-rural Michigan?" (aka, where I grew up). I might do this setting for my Gryles Petting Zoo fic instead, but either way, I spent today thinking about what the ED fic would look like in MI and here's what I've collected, if you're curious:
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Warning: this scene is fairly graphic and could be triggering.

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Now that I've finished my tomlinshaw exchange fic, I figured I'd make myself a list of some of the bits and pieces I've abandoned along the way. The exchange fic was the first one I've ever written and finished, so I'm super excited to write one for myself this time.

Here's what I've got (below the cut). Also, tw for eating disorders and sexual abuse. ( Read more... )